SELF-CONFIDENCE FOR PARENTS

It’s hard to be confident about your parenting these days. Instead of neighborhood and family assurance everything will turn out fine, we get criticism and implied criticism from every corner:

Experts on talk shows and in bestselling books, recounting serious psychological damage due to authoritarian and laissez-faire child-rearing

Nosy acquaintances, in-laws, and strangers-on-the-street with outspoken opinions on what children must wear, eat, or learn.

Social media posts displaying seemingly problem-free families where parents do everything differently than we do

Not to mention criticism from the children themselves: “Jamie’s parents let her do it,” “It’s not fair,” “If you really loved me …”

Why Self-Confidence Matters

We think everything would be fine if we were sure of the right thing to do, but it’s even more important to be sure of ourselves. Otherwise, the moment someone questions our actions, we’ll begin suspecting that we either chose the wrong approach, or are doing something the wrong way. When we see ourselves as incompetent, we go about desperate for everyone to reassure us we got it right this time.

Self-confident people, by contrast, choose what they know is right for their families. You know you have self-confidence when:

You care more about doing the right thing than about what people think.

You understand that you, personally, are in the best position to know what your kids need and respond to.

You accept that you will make mistakes—and when you do, you don’t feel you’ve ruined everyone’s life forever. You simply apologize and move on.

Teaching Self-Confidence by Example

Don’t think that your own self-confidence or lack thereof doesn’t affect your kids. Having a parent short on self-confidence means that children:

Internalize the idea that “imperfect equals worthless,” and apply it to themselves.

Learn by example never to admit or apologize for a mistake, generating increased conflict in the household.

Find that their parents are easily manipulated, which leads to either “spoiled brat syndrome” or “no one cares what I do, no one cares about me” depression.

You can increase your self-confidence and your children’s through the following family activities:

Scheduling time during meals or family meetings to share what everyone admires about everyone else. (No arguments allowed from the person receiving the compliment!)

Making affirmations lists or vision boards together.

Giving everyone a voice in family decisions, plus encouragement to participate in individual activities they love and excel at. (Remember that “everyone” includes you and the other adults in your household!)

What Self-Confidence Isn’t

Were you puzzled at the recommendations to admit mistakes: “I thought self-confidence meant being confident you’re always right”? No: that’s arrogance, not self-confidence. And arrogant people are typically lacking in self-confidence: they equate any mistake with personal worthlessness, so they’re terrified of mistakes. They avoid trying new things because learning requires error, and they adamantly deny the mistakes they do make. While self-confidence helps everyone grow together and grow closer, arrogance shrinks people into self-absorbed, ineffective, miserable loners.

It’s impossible to be human without making mistakes. Accepting that fact is vital for you—and your children—to grow into the self-confident, high-functioning individuals you were made to be.